2016.12.30 Another day of sun

回顧這一年的心路歷程，今年的我過得十分的刻骨銘心，掉了比大學三年半累積起來還要多的眼淚，若要和2016年初的自己分享自己到底完成了哪些事情，2016年初的自己大概不太敢相信吧！

還記得大學的時候自己十分的迷惘，因為迷惘而從眾。當時好流行大數據，於是咬緊牙也要從毫無意義的數字中亂掰出一些故事。同學們每個都是設計天才，所有文宣都美到不行，於是就算自己毫無美術天分也抓著別人求AI教學要宣稱自己會排版(阿吸兆文對不起)，但明明連修圖都成問題。看著參與著商業競賽的同學、出國交換的同學、在知名外商實習的同學、參與社團活動的同學、推甄上研究所的同學、創作出各種美麗作品的同學，大家都耀眼無比，相比之下我是個連北斗七星都找不到的水手。到處沾醬油的後果是自己學成了四不像，沒有專業更沒有熱忱。

感謝小安在課堂上提到了Disney College Program，重新燃起我心中對休閒遊憩產業的嚮往。我慶幸我拋下了一切我在台灣視為理所當然的特權，抱著愚蠢的夢想漂洋過海到了陌生的國度從頭開始。我慶幸我的盲目與經驗不足讓我義無反顧。我慶幸我的家人、愛人與朋友們無條件的支持著我。我應徵迪士尼3次，也失敗3次，每次的感謝信都挫敗的讓我想要放棄回台。求職期間丟了50封的履歷，收了30封以上的感謝信（數字現在依舊持續增加中），壓力大到常常嘴角破，最終還是被幸運之神眷顧找到了工作。儘管不是什麼令人稱羨的工作，但我心中著實充滿了感激。最近上班受訓十分的累，有太多太多不懂得服務業用語，無法好好發音的舌頭，以及面對電話鈴響時的恐懼，但每天都很期待上班，下班都十分的不捨（來自台灣堅強的奴性，覬覦超時工作的加班費，外加我沒朋友，下班就不知道要幹嘛了嗚嗚 ）。

找到新的目標的生活是充實且快樂的，儘管一開始來到這裡的目標還沒有達成，但我相信我是朝著對的方向努力的！絕對不會輕易放棄的，哪有這麼輕易投降哈哈哈！

2016年感謝大家的照顧，2017年也要一起加油！來LA記得找我！兩週前跟我說我就可以排假當地陪～

=======下收LA LA LAND有雷心得=======

看LA LA LAND的時候我哭的稀哩嘩啦，各種場景離自己好近好近，故事也離自己好近好近（追夢而不是戀愛的部分），產生的共鳴特別大。塞在高速公路上的不耐、馬路上被曬龜的裂痕、 在靠近夢想的地方工作那種卑微的妥協、面對被拒絕的恐懼仍要撐起的笑容、看著身邊優秀的人，自己只能揣著衣角試圖催眠自己的心情。

每次Mia試鏡失利就像是揭了我一次傷口，Mia哭著說她要放棄的時候，我的眼淚狂掉，心中一邊想著，千萬不能放棄，千萬不能放棄。

我絕對不會放棄，就算哭成一灘地上的爛泥，我也不會放棄。

2016.12.29 Don't you worry

不知不覺也來到了2016的尾聲，等我回過神來距離新年也只剩下三天了。

新年夜被排班，但好像也無可厚非，我一臉就是最好被欺負的那一位，又沒有非一起過節不可的家人在這，理所當然的安排我擔任大夜班的接線生。被排在那個班的時候我其實有一點想哭，但我還是忍下來了。

但或許想哭的原因是壓力的累積。噢！別誤會！我還是很喜歡我的工作，只是我自己抗壓性差又愛哭，所以很容易想哭。

－－－－

目前服務的飯店有Lobby Lounge，大主管A為了希望我可以更了解Lobby Lounge的菜單，請我去Lobby Lounge問有什麼推薦的餐點。於是我就到Lobby Lounge詢問當日值班的服務生M我們的招牌餐點。服務生M在對話的結束後遞了一張寫了他的號碼的紙條給我，要我傳簡訊給他。不過我一回到辦公室又陷入了忙碌狀態，紙條的事情早就拋到了九霄雲外。同日午餐時間結束時，在員工走廊遇到了服務生M，他拿出他的手機問說怎麼還沒有收到我的訊息，我笑著說太忙了，同時我又趕著回去上工，所以這件事又被我放在一邊。

晚上在整理外套口袋時，發現了寫了號碼的紙條，想了一下隔天可能又會碰到，所以就傳了禮貌性的簡訊給服務生M。殊不知服務生M十分積極的傳訊息給我，想要約我出去，我都很有禮貌的表示若是團體出遊可以，但兩人單獨不太好。且我知道他是早上七點的早班，所以九點非睡不可，所以就故意拖到九點後才回訊息。

翌日，Lobby Lounge來了一桌中國客，由於他們完全不會講英文，所以服務生M先是打我的手機，又傳簡訊給我請我出去協助。但我手機放在置物區的關係我完全沒有注意到。於是服務生M就直接進辦公室把我請去當翻譯。順利的翻譯結束之後，服務生M說他欠我一份人情，要請我吃晚餐。我說這是我份內的事，不要緊的。

下班後，服務生M又再度傳簡訊來感謝我，並再度提起請我吃飯的事情。我再度有禮貌的表示這是我份內的工作。接下來服務生M又傳了，那我還是可以請你吃飯嗎？

我就有點傻眼了，然後決定不回那則訊息。過了一會兒服務生M就打電話過來，因為正在等Sora的電話我就本能的接了（呃）接起來才發現大事不妙，在Sora馬上要打來的情況之下，我就出櫃了。原本我沒有打算要在工作場所出櫃的。

服務生M實在是試著接近我接近的太明顯，我的trainer兼同事J問我有沒有困擾，我就敘述了一下來龍去脈，並老實的回答說有感到困擾。同事J覺得這已經是騷擾等級了，就人很好的幫我回報給主管A。導致服務生M被口頭警告並且在人資那邊歸檔紀錄，然後我的性傾向被越來越多人知道。

我並不是很想繼續讓我的性傾向被更多人知道，主管A也貼心的提醒要小心還是有人會因此歧視，所以原本十分的擔心。主管A也說人資部門會需要和我談談。主管在上班時間請我去人資部門的時候其實我鬆了一口氣，因為不知道和人資部門談話會不會算薪水，不過看來是會算薪水的，覺得欣慰（窮鬼心態）。

在我敘述完故事以後，我和人資部門的主管G表示我擔憂的兩個點：

1. 我不希望服務生M因此丟了飯碗，因為我原本以為這只是個忍一下就過了的事情，而且我才剛報到兩週，不想這麼快就鬧的滿城風雨

2. 我不確定這裡是否是個安全的出櫃場合，並且不希望自己的性傾向被越來越多人知道

主管G表示，由於集團經營方針對性騷擾是零容忍，並希望可以維護所有員工都可以沒有顧慮的來上班，公司不會對這種事情妥協。我不應該忍，而服務生M若有因此遭到任何處置，也和我無關。

主管G接著說，"As a gay man, I do not foresee any issue to come out in this property, and we will not tolerance any kind of discrimination. It is your choice to decide whether you want to share your personal life with others or not; however, they do not have the right to discriminate against you. Don't you worry."

我在走回辦公室的路上，噙著淚水，想起12/10的同婚遊行自己很喜歡的一句標語。

在這巨大的宇宙，你不是一個人。

[ 英文翻譯 ] 可不可以-廖文強 Would you mind- Wen Chiang Liao

有時候，在夜深的時候，會想起兩年半前，心中的恐懼。
害怕出櫃會被朋友討厭、唾棄、排擠。
好險我的身邊的人是如此的溫暖，溫柔的接納我的一切，陪著我掉淚陪著我歡笑。
人類是如此的脆弱，為什麼我們要互相傷害，為什麼不能彼此接納呢？

把可不可以翻成Would you mind似乎有一點差太遠，但我想這裡的「可不可以」就和Would you mind 一樣的卑微。

寫歌的和走路的演員都是學長，覺得好幸福XD


唱一首沒有人聽過的歌
Singing a song which is not heard by anyone
等一個稱不上浪漫的吻
Longing for a kiss which is not romantic
點一種不被欣賞的口味
Ordering a flavor which is not appreciated
你說我不懂這世界
You said I am not understanding this world
而你又了解了誰
But who do you think you understand
害怕消失在人群中
Being afraid of disappearing in crowd
卻又害怕不被接受
Yet being afraid of not being accepted
如果我有一點點不同
If I am slightly different from others
你願不願意了解我
Would you mind to try to understand me

可不可以讓我愛我想愛的人
Would you mind to let me love who I love
可不可以讓我過我想過的人生
Would you mind to let me be who I want to be
可不可以讓我們的差異變成獨特
Would you mind to make the difference between us become uniqueness
可不可以祝福我 在一切之後
After all, would you mind to wish me all your best
讀一本大家都推薦的書
Reading a book recommended by everyone
走一條導航會指引的路
Following a track the navigation leads
看一場一票難求的電影
Watching a popular movie
假裝你喜歡不快樂
Pretending that you are enjoying unhappiness
假裝和別人相同
Pretending that you are the same as others
　
可不可以祝福我
Would you mind to wish me all your best
就算我們的路不同
Even though we are on a different way

2016.11.24 荔枝馬丁尼

我今天去了歐巴馬曾經光顧過並且外帶的嶺南小館（R & G Lounge ）。因為是感恩節的關係很多店都沒有開，和自己沒關係而開的中國餐廳因此格外擁擠，兩個人的位子要等一個小時以上。但孤僻如我一個人旅行，所以一進去就有吧台的位子坐。翻開菜單我滿腦想的都是飲茶，因為我室友跟我說是點心(Dim sum)，但怎麼看餐點根本就是合菜，害我朝思暮想的飲茶夢破滅，而且一個人旅行身邊沒有朋（ㄈㄣ）友（ㄇㄨˇ），也點不起什麼大菜，就默默翻到Menu上最便宜的那一面挑選餐點。

我的左手邊坐了一位大叔，吃著大叔的財力才負擔的起的北京片皮鴨，還配著一杯荔枝馬丁尼。但小家子氣如我，壓根就沒有把酒單打開來看，因為深知自己看到價格就下不了手。點完餐點，看著很多人不斷的點荔枝馬丁尼，其實心中一百萬分的好奇。

這時，隔壁的大叔操著一口英國腔和酒保反應，北京片皮鴨(Peking Duck)的鴨肉很少，酒保有一點尷尬的解釋北京烤鴨本來就是要吃皮，我心中想著誰叫大叔你不識漢字，誰叫餐廳亂翻菜名沒有把皮翻出來。我就幫著酒保說話，解釋北京烤鴨真的本來肉就少。大叔就說起在英國如果點鴨肉的話，肉很多，店員還會幫你把鴨肉去骨，才不會是這種肉又少還附贈刈包皮的食物。我心裡想著：『呃如果你真的很不喜歡等一下我的菜上了，我用我新的菜跟你換你這已經吃了一半的北京烤鴨好不好』但還是跟他表示那個烤鴨的皮的珍貴，雖然大叔根本聽不進去，他一心只念著他的英式烤鴨。吼！北京烤鴨的皮一般人是烤不粗乃ㄉ啊!!!!!!

總之就因為烤鴨而開始聊天。聊了一些他的工作（我每個字都聽得懂但湊在一起又不太懂了）、聊了音樂劇、聊了大叔覺得英國青少年很不懂得自律、聊了所謂「志工」到底是好事還是壞事，當然還有必聊之英國腔與美國腔之差異。還有一些台灣的社會氛圍，雖然我懷疑他可能不是很確定台灣到底在哪裡，but anyway

然後他問我不點一杯調酒試試看嗎？我說不了，一個人沒事不用喝酒，雖然荔枝馬丁尼看起來超好喝的，不過單獨在外小心為上，當然還有沒有說出口的預算問題。他用興味盎然的表情看著我，好像我學了太多不必要保護自己的技能，把自己武裝起來隨時準備反擊。他說，那如果我請你喝一杯的話呢？看到食物（飲料）就投降的我當然說好。所以就被陌生人請了人生中第一杯的酒精飲料。

大叔的名字叫Robin，英國腔的發音讓他的名字聽起來像Rabit。我說我叫Andrea，大叔說騙人這才不是妳的真名，我說是啦我的駕照上是寫Andrea，心中想著反正我說我叫佳芳你也不知到會發成什麼其他人的名字。

最後問到接下來要去哪，他說可能會找過Bar窩一下，我心中想著：『呃可是今天感恩節哪裡都不會開ㄡ』一邊回答：「我要回我的Hostel 」

此次別離這輩子大概也難再相逢，或許知道這點我們很有默契的沒有人提出要交換聯絡方式。世界有時候很小，有時候很大，每次的相逢都令人著迷的不得了。

總之荔枝馬丁尼很好喝，但是在喝完之前要忍著不能上廁所又是另外一回事了。

[日常廢] 開始跑步前的無病呻吟

來個廢文體。

自從來到美國後接受了各式各樣的加工食物污染

深深感受到加工食品的博大精深以及對身體的殘害

我就這樣精緻糖與油炸食品中毒的渾渾噩噩過了半年

噢理所當然的體重也直直往上飆

所以最近開始去社區健身房跑步

其實一開始是快走

但是我發現人的身體很奇怪，你一開始運動，體力就默默變好

原本我只需要快走心跳就可以到130

現在非要跑起來不可，心中實在是一百八十個不願意

我看起來是很愛運動的人嗎？

不是嘛，當然是躺在床上軟爛比較蘇湖啊

已經開始快走了快兩個禮拜，每天至少30分鐘

也不見體重有往下掉

（體脂肪這五天才開始量，所以不算，我絕對不會說我這三天吃太多，體脂肪不降反升）

然後　居然還要　跑　起　來

太怒了

但是我不想放棄，如果我連這樣簡單的每天運動40分鐘的事情都做不到

就真的太對不起現在閒閒沒事只是在找工作的自己了。

讓我們看看我可以堅持多久吧哈哈哈哈

真的是胖到人神共憤唉

[ 地雷食驗室 ] 是誰毀了Oreo和Churros？！Oreo Churros

本系列由掐子不負責任擔綱。
由於本人特容易被負評食物吸引，例如：小熊脘腸（對我N年前就吃過這個了），又難得旅居怪奇（或者說創意十足的）加工食品特多的美國，因此新開闢一個專欄來吃各種負評食物！

第一回是由拍拍所推薦的Oreo Churros。拍拍貼了 看電影就是要配吉拿棒才夠味，現在竟然出了 Oreo 口味，害我口水流到隔壁座位去啦！  到群組裡，瞬　間　點　火！！

對於看到Churros就會湊上去買的我根本就是放火燒！

熱愛進食的我馬上Google評價，殊不知在Walmart網站上這個產品只有3顆星，而且評價超兩極。

那就讓我們來看看那些一顆星的絕望網友們留了些什麼評價：

看到負評以後　更　燒！根本就是要逼死特愛嘗試怪東西的我！！！！

手刀殺到超市的冷凍區尋找Oreo Churros的蹤影

一開始還找不到，找了半天想說該不會賣太差

或者是太不健康了這間健康超市不賣這種垃圾食物

沒想到是放在冷凍櫃的最高那層

欺負亞洲人矮膩


不過很好，還有折$1

所以就帶了一盒回家

不能不說包裝盒的照片真的很騙，

因為Churros看起來真的很大一支，

但是實際上打開只有兩根指節長。

對，就是兩根指節

（後面是我正在烤的南瓜派FillingXD）

我們再來回顧一下包裝盒，

除了迷你的盤子以外還有爆漿的夾心內餡

跟我內心一樣乾枯的夾心內餡




好吧說不定人家要加熱才會爆漿，

做人不要太Critical才不會沒朋友

所以就來進行一個加熱的動作，

一次先烤四個以免吃不完

根據指示將烤箱預熱到450F之後，

乖乖的烤了8分鐘

烤的過程中有巧克力的味道散出來～～～

害我覺得一顆星Reviews可能都是Reese's派來的寫手

哦哦哦哦看似爆漿了！

還有撐不住而裂開的朋友

真是太對不住了

讓你們獨自面對烤箱的熱情

看起來好像沒那麼糟，

但是因為只烤了四根所以我不打算開他送的crumb


所以我撒了砂糖就開動了（我忘了拍照XD）







至於最重要的味道嘛.........吃起來真的蠻像厚紙板的，有一點巧克力香氣的厚紙板。又硬又乾，還會刮嘴QAQ

在吃的過程中我甚至忘記他有夾心內餡，因為真的完全感受不到夾心內餡的存在

我吃了兩個以後真的吃不下去，就只好欺騙我室友幫我把他們吃了（？

好險我只烤了四個，但我現在真的不知道該拿剩下的Oreo Churros如何是好了。


厚紙板指數　：★★★★★
浪費錢指數　：★★★★★
包裝照騙指數：★★★☆☆
回　購　率　：★☆☆☆☆

[ 中文翻譯 ] While My Guitar Gently Weeps 當我的吉他悄悄地哭泣 (Kubo主題曲)

昨天和Kae一起去看Kubo。這麼晚才看是因為原本以為是3D動畫，沒想到居然是定格動畫！
想說好像快下檔了，所以抓著原本也沒有興趣的Kae一起去看了。看完以後兩個人都覺得十分驚艷！各種美麗的畫面嗚呼！Kae則是覺得美國人看日本文化的觀點十分的有趣，所以很喜歡這部電影。

或許是因為沒有字幕的關係，覺得有些地方劇情轉折並不是很順，還有一些令人想吐槽的設定，不過是一部好電影！！！

最後的片尾十令人在意的好聽，因此決定把它翻成中文;)



原曲是由披頭四作曲與演唱，負責作曲的Harrison是以《易經》中的「萬物息息相關」的概念為基礎，所以他隨意的抽了一本書，翻了一面，看到了Gently Weeps，然後就開始作曲。

Kubo的片尾則是由Regina Spektor 演唱，三味線好酥啊XDD

I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping
我凝視眾生，看見那愛正靜靜沉睡著

While my guitar gently weeps
當我的吉他悄悄地哭泣

I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping
我注視著地板，然後發現地板需要清掃

Still my guitar gently weeps.
而我的吉他仍悄悄地哭泣

I don't know why nobody told you
我不知道為什麼沒有人告訴你

How to unfold your love
要如何釋放你的愛

I don't know how someone controlled you
我不知道那些人如何掌控你

They bought and sold you.
如何收買再出賣你

I look at the world and I notice it's turning
我看著這世界，注意到世界正在旋轉

While my guitar gently weeps
當我的吉他悄悄地哭泣

With every mistake we must surely be learning
我們在每個錯誤中學習成長

Still my guitar gently weeps.
當我的吉他悄悄地哭泣

I don't know how you were diverted
我不知道你是如何誤入歧途

You were perverted too
你向下沉淪 無法回頭

I don't know how you were inverted
我不知道你是如何被顛倒是非

No one alerted you.
而沒有人警告你

I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping
我凝視眾生，看見那愛正靜靜沉睡著

While my guitar gently weeps
當我的吉他悄悄地哭泣

Look at you all...
注視著你們...

Still my guitar gently weeps.
而我的吉他仍悄悄地哭泣

[ 中文翻譯 ] Steven Universe - Video Chat (Short)

Steven Universe 小短片第二翻！

這次是Steven和Peridot視訊w




（電腦雜訊）

Steven：哈囉？嗨，Peridot

Peridot：Steven，你聽的到嗎？

Steven：我聽的到....

Peridot：你聽的到嗎？！

Steven：我聽的ㄉ.....

Peridot：RRRR，這笨東西到底要怎麼用....

Peridot：啊！Steven？

Steven：嗨，Peridot

Peridot：Steven！（大笑）你看！我聰明絕頂的天才，我搞懂要如何架好穀倉內的Wi-Fi了！流量大到可以用1080P直播Camp Pining Hearts（露營憔悴心）！讓我告訴你我是怎麼辦到的！
所以我先@#$%^&（雜訊）

Steven：Peridot？

Peridot：所以我就在那兒，面對面看著那個大!@#$%^&（雜訊）

Steven：Peridot，收訊不是很好

Peridot：為了@#$燃燒我的生命@#$%，然後他咬我！（雜訊）然後現在Wi-Fi完美運作中。所以你今天做了些什麼事呢？

Steven：我學會如何做這個！

Peridot：哇噢－－！Lapis！快來看！

Lapis：那是Steven嗎？

Peridot：是啊

Lapis：噢不！Steven！發生了甚麼事？！

Steven：噢沒事的，這只是個－－

Lapis：你是怎麼把他困在裡面的？為什麼你沒有試著把他救出來？！

Peridot：Lapis，放輕鬆，這只是我的通訊平板。

Lapis：是誰對你幹了這好事，Steven，我現在就救你出來。這玩意兒的寶石在哪裡，我、我找不到！

Steven：Lapis？你在幹麻？

Lapis：他一定被困在裡面了

Peridot：等等！Lapis，這只是個螢幕！！住ㄕㄡ－－－（螢幕黑）

Steven：噢老天

Peridot：感謝星辰，我還以為沒救了

Lapis：讓開Peridot，我必須釋放他

Peridot：不！！Lapis！！！

Lapis：我會把你救出來的！Steven！如同你把我救出來一樣！

Peridot：冷靜！

Steven：等等！住手！我沒事的！

Lapis：Steven！你沒事！噢...Peridot，對不起

Peridot：沒關係的，只要小心的用那支球棒...

Steven：噢你們看，是Lion！等、等等Lion，Lion小心！不！Lion！！！

（連線中斷）

Steven：不！那是Connie的筆電呀！LION!!!!!

Lapis：他應該要對所有的人類東西更加小心才對

Peridot：Hmmm

[中文翻譯] Steven Universe - Gem Karaoke

這次是Steven Universe的首翻，如果有誤還請多多指教>w<！
Steven Universe小短片的回合！

Connie：我來錄影

Steven：謝啦Connie！好，是56383

Pearl：5...6...3...8...3...

Amethyst ：很久欸～快點放音樂啦！阿珍！等到都快發霉了！

Pearl：Amethyst ，我已經在試了。Steven，你確定那個號碼是對的嗎？我一直輸入，但是他沒有任何看起來要播放的跡象⋯⋯

Steven ：噢....因為你要按「播放」

Pearl：噢～原來如此

Steven：Connie！歌要開始了！

Connie ：嗯～你們就先唱吧！

Steven：妳確定嗎？

Connie ：真的沒關係，總要有人負責拿錄影機，對吧？

Steven ：噢，好吧！

♫　我不經意的一舉一動都是鎂光燈焦點　♫

♫　當我踏出我亮麗的粉色加長禮車　♫

Amethyst ：哎唷不錯唷！

Steven：

♫　回眸一笑就不小心讓駕駛看的出神　♫

♫　手勢一下歡呼聲起，當我講笑話他們捧腹大笑　♫

Steven & Amethyst ：

♫　我有一副讓他們迷失的雙眼，讓他們陶醉的姿態　♫

Garnet：

♫　我像魔術師一樣的讓他們著迷，當我手指他們目不轉睛，當我說話他們洗耳恭聽　♫

Pearl：

♫　大家都需要朋友，而我有你和你和你和你　♫

♫　多到我都叫不出名字　♫

♫　怪我囉？誰叫我那麼有名呢？　♫

Steven ：Connie？Connie 來啦！快要到最精彩的地方了！

Connie ：噢真的沒關係，你們唱的超好！

Steven：來啦！換妳唱了！

Connie ：你確定嗎？

Steven ：真的！好好享受吧！

Connie ：好吧！謝啦Garnet

♫　你難道沒注意到我是大明星嗎？　♫

♫　我在地球自轉時閃亮登場 　♫

♫　難道你沒看見我努力了這麼久嗎？　♫

♫　現在所有人都可以看見我在燃燒綻放　♫

全： 

♫　現在所有人都可以看見我在燃燒綻放　♫

♫　現在所有人都可以看見我在燃燒綻放　♫

（歡呼聲）

Pearl：太棒了！Connie，多完美的收尾！

Connie ：Pearl謝謝妳！

Amethyst ：你是卡拉OK之王！

Connie ：謝謝妳們....我真的.....

Amethyst ：呃.....Pearl，你在按下開始之前輸入了幾次號碼啊？

Pearl：大概15次吧....

Connie：安可！

Steven ：耶！！！

2016.06.03 The Power of Vulnerability

"Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love."－－Brene Brown 《The Power of Vulnerability》

自從來到美國後，在短時間內適應了很多事情，其中一件就是習慣了開車，並且覺得開車40分鐘的距離並不算遠。收音機對我來說就是通勤時刻的好夥伴。但40分鐘對於有限的流行歌曲來說實在是很長，當同樣的流行歌曲重複撥放超過一個月的時候，就會有令人煩躁的能力。於是我開始收聽NPR，也就是國家公共頻道(?)，但是聽著哪裡又發生槍擊案、總統候選人又說了甚麼，對尚未融入文化的我來說還很遙遠，聽著一大堆不屬於自己的語言，腦袋甚至不會試著解讀他。

我腦筋就動到了TED talk上。

TED的app可以在有wifi的環境下預先下載影片（或錄音檔，但錄音檔有時候會莫名其妙斷掉），裡面有各種已經幫你挑好的playlist，可以一口氣下載好多talk。而The power of vulnerability是我聽到目前為止最喜歡的一個talk，從內容、選用的單字到口音我都很喜翻。Brene Brown真的很會講故事，很真實也很受用。(by the way我發現我最近愛的人都姓Brown哈哈哈)

聽完這個talk以後，我反覆思考我的人生，或者是反省過去的一年，因為我短暫的記憶並不允許我回憶太遠。在回憶那些快樂、焦慮和悲傷的時刻時，我意識到我的害怕付出、害怕失去、害怕被看見。但是當我擁抱我可能會失敗的這個想法的時候，事情又會好轉起來，那些歡笑或痛楚變得更深刻也更值得令人回味。

我依舊是一個害怕付出、害怕失去、害怕被看見與希望自己可以掌控一切的人。或許我的個性已經沒有辦法再改變，現在的我比較懂得和焦慮相處，懂得和未知打交道。過去的我很期待得到正確答案的那一刻，但現在的我相較之下期待的是討論。不過我的話還是太多，我總是迫切的想要發表我的意見，我還要學習怎麼聆聽，這是最近面臨的課題。

其實這篇PO文的目的，是想表達我的羨慕與忌妒。我懊悔我錯過了一整個畢業季，我害怕打開Facebook之後的各種學士服轟炸，我羨慕能夠擁有學士服的朋友們。到了美國以後沒有直接進入迪士尼真是讓我的心碎成千千片，有種兩頭皆空的感覺。一開始還在想著要堅強，不可以哭。但這個talk讓我想起了要學會「懂得受傷」才可以更加地體會到所謂情感的流動。

所以我現在都對各種負面情緒放棄治療了，來就來ㄅ沒在怕der

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

2016.05.25 Pyromania

　　這篇是我自己有點喜歡，我想了好久要讓Pei怎麼結束這個故事，因為她自己也沒有很清楚到底發生了甚麼事，應該是因為我在寫的時候也沒有很清楚到底會發生甚麼事。

　　我很喜歡火，真的很喜歡火，記得小時候在院子裏面玩火，燒葉子、燒頭髮、燒快要燒完的蠟燭（然後弄得髒兮兮）也很喜歡爐火，可以看著爐火看很久。各種美麗的火舞♥

　　那請各位欣賞－－

Pyromania

         “Light up the incense for us sweetheart,” said Pei’s mother.

         “Sure!” Surprised by mother’s command, Pei leaped up from the game she was playing with her siblings and rushed into the attic shrine. She nodded to her grand-grandparents and pulled out the drawer which was filled with incense. She counted carefully to five, it was half of the number she knew. The school only taught them how to count until ten. Pei aligned the incense, lit up the lighter without any try, and equally lit up every incense to make sure it had the same speed of burning. The incense started to burn and sent out the lifting smoke. Pei was fascinated by the breathing red tops of the incense. She watched them for a second, and rushed out the attic shrine.

         “Mom, the incense is ready!” Pei yelled.

         “Okay, everyone, go say something to your grand-grandparents,” Pei's mom announced, rubbing her wet hands on her apron.(Nice incidentally invoked sense of Taiwanese setting…)

         Pei realized that the lighter was still in her hand. She forgot to return it back to the drawer. She lit up the lighter three more times and enjoyed the sounds made by the lighter when it was releasing the gas.(Nice detail…)

         “Don’t play with fire,” Pei’s mom patted on her head when she saw her daughter lit up the lighter without any reason.

         “I’m not, mom,” Pei put the lighter back into the drawer.

         Pei knew that she was not playing with fire. She was controlling it.

         Chingming is the day to talk with ancestors, people burn the incense and paper money to let the smoke carry our words to their world. Chinese people use fire to show respect and admiration to ancestor. For Pei, Chingming is her big day too. On that day, she was asked to burn things rather than being prohibited from burning them. The fire utters her words with heat, melting down the barrier of the world. We are eventually all dust.(Nice)

         Pei’s talent was discovered when she was in kindergarten. Her friend, Guan, found a box of matches her way to the kindergarten and showed it to Pei. The box was worn out on the corner and the printed characters were unreadable. The matches were damp with the winter rain. The teacher had noticed that the girls were playing with a box of matches, but after she checked the box and decided it was too wet to burn, she returned the new discovered treasure to the girls.

         “I’ve seen how it works on the TV!” said Guan, she tried to lower her voice so that she wouldn’t attract the other classmates, but still couldn’t hide her excitement in her words.

         “My mom never let me use them,” said Pei. She pulled out the tiny drawer with only a few matches left inside,” Do you think we can light it up?”

         “Maybe,” Guan used her tiny but delicate finger to pick up a match,” Let me try!’’

         Guan tried to light up the matches but in vain. The matches did not even give out the smell of burn. Pei knew what was wrong.

         “May I try the last one? Please! Please! Please!” Pei begged her best friend.

         “Okay,” Guan’s interest to the matches died when she broke her forth matches.

         Pei picked up the last match carefully. Her fingers could feel the wetness of the match, but she knew it was nothing to worry. She licked her lips, and struck.

         The sparklet twinkled and there was the fire on the match. The fire burned all the noise in the indoor playground in to ashes, only the match was hissing the flame. Pei was standing there, holding the match with fire and amazed by the fire fairy who just came visit. The fire quenched in a few second, the world went on to rotation.

         “Did you see that?” Pei barely spit out some words. She was hooked by the red skirt corner of the fire. It made her think about the skirt that the Flamenco dancer wears.(Nice…where are your labels?) (老師對不起我忘記Label了...)

         “It was just fire,” Guan shrugged. Suddenly the match box without match was trash for her. She looked around the playground and decided a slide deserved more her attention. She rushed to the line of getting on the slide, yelling and screaming with the other kids. Pei looked at the empty match box, carefully put the match box into her pocket, and followed her best friend to the slide.

         Pei’s mother found the match box in Pei’s pocket before she tossed it into the laundry machine. The paper fiber would just ruin the whole basket of laundry. (Nice) She threw the match box into trash can.

         “Mommy, did you see my box?” Pei was taking her room apart to find her match box.

         “What box, sweetheart?” Pei’s mother still focused on washing her dishes.

         “A match box,” Pei was going through the stack of clean clothes her mom just folded neatly.

         “Honey, stop doing that,” Pei’s mother frowned,” I don’t know what box you’re talking about.”

         “I think I left it in my pocket,” Pei was now going through all the pants’ pockets.

         “Oh! The match box?” Pei’s mother finished the last plate and turned to Pei,” I thought it was trash so I threw it away.”

         Pei’s action suddenly froze. She lifted her head up slowly and said, “You threw it away?”

         “I’m sorry honey,” Pei’s mother apologized. She lowered her body so that she could see directly into Pei’s eyes which was tearing, “I’m so sorry.”

         “But that was my box, my match box!” Pei’s voice was shivering and shaking. Tears were rolling down on her check and dropped on her dress.

         “Why would you need an empty match box?” Pei’s mother said patiently.

         “They bring the beautiful thing! And fairy came!” Pei was sobbing. She lost her power without the match box.

         “Would it be the same if I can give you another one?” Pei’s mother wiped the tears on Pei’s cheek.

         “New one?”

         “New one, but the box only,” said Pei’s mother.

        

         Pei was sitting beside the tiny temple, caressing the rough sandpaper of her match box. The texture of sandpaper reminded her think of the street cat was licking her finger after she gave her some pellets. She felt the heat without flame. She observed the candlelight of candle which sit beside the self-serve incense. Pei enjoyed the moment when there came a new pilgrim and lit up a bundle of incense. She knew how long would the incense infect the heat, how the first wisp of smoke would twist in the air. She could even feel it when she closed her eyes. In her daydream, she was lifted by the heat, bathing in the cozy smoke and listening to the peace that only an object which is being transforming to ashes can provide. Until the strong wind blew away the fog, Pei fell. Pei knew someone would catch her, but she never knew who they were. It might be the wind which grabbed her before she landed, the heat which gave her the last cuddle before she left or the god who is worshipped by the pilgrims in the tiny temple. The winter wind blew and Pei sneezed. She was wetted by her sweat in a deep deep deep winter. Pei sneezed again.

         The world was crumbling. Dreaming a wonderful picnic time with her friends, Pei was disturbed by the unusual feeling of trembling. She woke up and tried to sense the danger in air, but it was too hard to get her mind out of cupcakes and soda. Everything is shaking. Pei’s mother rushed into their room. Pei saw her mother was shaking as well. After checking all her children was safe, Pei’s mother rushed to turn off all the gas and electric equipment and opened the door. Something was falling out from the cupboard, clattering in the kitchen.

         “I hope is not the set of plate that my mom gave us,” Pei’s mother murmured to her husband.

         “Don’t worry, honey,” said Pei’s father,” As long as we are all safe, there is nothing we need to worry.”

         The land went back to tranquil, stiff as if it would never move again. They could hear neighbor’s baby was crying and screaming. The dog on the street were barking, stirring the uncertainty in the atmosphere. The battery of flash light ran out and Pei’s father couldn’t find the candles for emergency.

         “Seems like we need to stay in the dark for a while then,” Pei’s father shrugged and said. Pei’s mother didn’t blame anything on him, she knew arguing would be the worst thing to do in the dreadful darkness.

         Suddenly, a beam of light popped up in the palm of Pei. The fire was weak and feeble, glittered when Pei breathed. Pei carefully settled the fire on a used short candle and extinguished the match. Pei took out the other used candles and lit them up, until it was bright enough that she could see her mother’s eyes wrinkles. Pei covered her shoe box which was filled with the used candles which were abandoned by temples and the matches and used lighter she collected from the smokers in their community and hid the shoe box under the bed again.

         “Thank you, sweetheart, to bring us back the light,” surprised by the half-full shoe box, Pei’s mother didn’t scold on Pei. Pei broke into a bright smile with her mother’s compliment. She was the magician of the light, of the heat, of the fire. They were sitting in silence, listening to each other’s breath, heart beats, the evidences of life, sharing the subtle joy of being safe and union and waiting the first siren to slice the peaceful night.

         Pei knew how all the different leaves in the park smells like when they catch fire. (Interesting) She had been conducting the experiment of odor and color of smoke for a few weeks. She knew how dry the leaves need to be and she knew the fastest way to dry them. They were ready to sacrifice when Pei line them neatly on the balcony. Pei also knew how to melt the nylon clothes slightly without burning them, but cotton was her favorite. (Interesting psychology) She loved to see the flame replacing the cotton, licking the edge of the cloth with softness and leaving the voiceless ashes tumbled. She collected the hair from the comb as well. They turned into ball when they were heated, like panic school of fish is running away from a predator.

         Sitting beside the fireplace, Pei appreciated the warmth of fire. It’s her first time to stay beside the fireplace. Her mother assigned her to take care of the fire. The fire should stay in the balance. Pei was doing it flawlessly. She enjoyed the dying moment of flame when she put a new piece of wood coal in to fireplace. The flame would surround the new wood coal quietly, and took it over in a sudden. The flame was dancing, performing to its only audience, Pei. The flame was shimmering, winking glamorously and disappeared. The other dancer jumped out and stretching like a cat and vanished. Pei kept the fire in the required condition until her mother came and told her that she can let the fire die. The flame evaporated and left the coal was twinkling, their color was shifting like spreading lava. Pei slept beside the fireplace that night. In her dream, she saw her promising future was hiding in the smoke.

         Pei’s secret base was located in the back alley of their apartment. Her shoe box was not big enough to keep all her collection. She had different kind of match boxes, lighters, candles, papers and clothes, sometimes with a bottle of gas. Gas is not dangerous at all, Pei knew how to let it burn gently. She had a bucket full with water to make sure she extinguished the fire before she left. She knew the fire is dangerous, but it was all under her control. She was hundred percent sure.

         “The firefighter was not sure what was the reason of the fire which took place in the Wen-Chou alley, even though they had found the point of origin,” said the anchor hastily,” The firefighter found a few sets of equipment which can set everything of fire efficiently, but investigation needs to be taken to clarify which set of the equipment was the cause of the fire. Fortunately, there were no one injured and property was not in great damage.” Pei turned off the television, looked up to her mom. Pei’s mother was frowning. She sighed and rubbed her eyes.

         “I hope they can find out the arsonist as soon as possible,” said Pei’s mother,” I am so proud of you, sweetheart. If you didn’t call the firefighter just in time, our house would just burn into ashes.”

         Pei blinked, caressing the sandpaper of the match box she got from her mother.

Very sophisticated sense of storytelling...obliquely rendered setting and psychologically infused, partially realized and partially obscured protagonist…this story has a strong enough core to get published…keep writing…

2016.05.17 所謂正義的文化衝擊(或者說價值觀)

　　在UC Irvine所接受到的文化衝擊，和當我15歲時在法國接受到的文化衝擊截然不同。

　　首先要感謝我媽把我養得如此彈性，現在美國人的紅燈轉彎與阿拉伯文化的樹枝刷牙已經嚇不倒我了。甚至我現在也會在午飯後在廁所樹枝刷牙，不過我還不敢在公共場合樹枝刷牙就是了XD

　　感謝高三的我沒有考上管院，因為我知道當時的我很笨，很自大，以為讀熟了高中課本就認識了全世界。如果我進入了管理學院，我會被灌輸的是唯利是圖的價值觀。並不是說管院不好，甚至用管院來稱呼管理學院的人是有一點冒犯的，因為也有許多來自管院的同學是充滿了智慧的。但我所修過的少數管院課程中，大多都是以最大化利潤為目標，企業的社會責任只是整個學期被跳過的其中一章。

　　也因為如此，在生傳的我有無比高的修課自由，雖然沒有努力去加簽甚麼通識必修，但也是上過了不少有智慧的老師的課。不敢說自己得到了老師們的真傳，但是真的訓練出了一點點獨立思考的能力（不過還是很希望世界上有正確答案），與謙卑。有智慧的人實在是太多了。

　　我在UCI所受到的文化衝擊，是來自價值觀上的文化衝擊。為了訓練我們英文的緣故，討論的主題都多少有點艱澀又嚴肅，從家庭價值、南北韓議題、同性婚姻、法律體系到死刑存廢。不得不承認，接受到的最大衝擊源就是來自阿拉伯國家的學生。他們的宗教已經幫他們定義好了此生的價值觀，男性與女性在家裡所扮演的角色、LGBT應該要去看醫生、以牙還牙以眼還眼的死刑。

　　當我的科威特律師同學說出LGBT要看醫生的時候，我一下子湧出了好多情緒，又心酸、又憤怒、又同情、又不能理解為什麼一位高知識份子會說出如此令人心碎的話語。心想：「要是跟他出櫃他可能就不跟我說話了。」阿聯酋同學說出：「若有人殺害了我的父母與兄弟姊妹，我會殺死所有護在兇手前的人，再殺死兇手，就算要我死也在所不惜。」的時候，我十分納悶為什麼他不能理解一位犯人的之所以成為犯人，身處在社會中的我們都推了他一把。不論是我們的冷漠、嘲諷、或只是單純的享受繼承自家庭的「正常」生活。我不懂他們的正義。

　　我的不能理解是來自我的無知。我已經接受了我的價值觀，我自認我再三咀嚼消化過後的資訊。我不知該從何切入他們的觀點，我從未詳讀可蘭經，也對他們國家的歷史一無所知。他們的宗教在他們的國家中確實扮演著穩定社會的角色，同樣有著死刑的美國與沙烏地阿拉伯，沙烏地阿拉伯的重大刑案比美國少多了。我對於我產生了「你們好可憐」的心情而感到愧疚，他們又不需要我們的同情。他們有他們生存的法則，我應該要尊重。

　　但如果要把我送去看醫生可能又另當別論了。

2016.05.17 The Weight of Maiden Name

　　這次Essay的格式是Synthesis Essay。我交了兩篇上去，一篇是老師要求的Synthesis Form，一篇則是我一開始心血來潮開始寫的文章。

　　第一篇文章因為有特定要求的格式，導致我寫的綁手綁腳，理所當然地慘不忍睹。老師在課堂上毫不保留的表示：「當你寫作樂在其中的時候，我看的出來，因為讀者也樂在其中；但當你寫的過程十分痛苦，我讀起來也很痛苦。」

　　其中小會晤的時候，老師就和我說：「你上篇文章寫得很痛苦齁」

　　我就知道老師在課堂上說的就是我了哈哈哈哈orz

　　收到評語以後更是萬分地確定絕對是我造成了老師的痛苦XD

　　不過第二篇心血來潮的文章就受到了老師的好評！秉持著炫耀與家醜不外揚（？）的精神，當然就是只PO得意之作啦～

　　所以因為懶得改，就把老師兩篇文章的評語與原始文章PO上來。

The Weight of Maiden Name (Excellent title)

         The married daughter is splashed water. (Interesting) She ought to obey her new family, dive into chores, and raise her children for her husband. (Tough new world) She should forget her splendid life before the marriage. She would be her husband (husband’s) property. The only clue she can look back to her wonderful, colorful, meaningful life is her maiden name which is the only thing no one can deprive. They used to take it away from her too, but they no longer do this. They thought the right to be call by her name is the privilege and a big progress in women right.

         My mother’s maiden name is Hsiung, which means bear in Chinese. (Wonderful) My grandfather was educated by Japanese, since that time Taiwan was colonized by Japanese. They call themselves the “Kuma”, which means bear in Japanese. (What an echo) My father’s last name is Hsieh, which has the meaning of appreciation. Having a last name called bear must be very cool(informal?) , I couldn’t expel this idea out of my mind when I were little. Once I learned that we can decide our own last name by the time we are 18, I told my mom I’m joining the Kuma club too. “Don’t be silly,” she said, “you are Hsieh, you will always be Hsieh.” (Powerful) What I couldn’t understand that time was the sorrow and bitterness flicked in her eyes.

         Ms. Hsiung and Mr. Hsieh were elementary school’s classmate. Girls and Boys had the most furious war in that age. Therefore, not until the Kumas immigrated to the US, and Mr. Hsieh was pursuing his master degree in the state as well, did they appreciate the beauty of differences. Mr. Hsieh was the eldest son in his family. Ms. Hsiung knew that, but she had been absorbing the American culture for more than a decade, forgetting the unreasonable restriction in a traditional Taiwanese family. “How bad it could be?” She thought. The calling of love overwhelmed her conscience. “Everyone should have their own family,” She consulted herself,” I will not lose myself. I am not the others.” (Excellent) She thought she could make something different like all the teenagers think they can save the world. Thus she indulged in marriage.

         Mrs. Hsiung packed all her fancy clothes into a box, hided (hid) them up high on the cupboard. Every visit of Mrs. Hsieh was the troop invading her privacy little by little, dragged her secrets into the sun light, until Mrs. Hsiung had no ego. Mrs. Hsiung cooked fantastic diner, four different nutritious dishes with flavorful soup, to please her mother-in-law. However, Mrs. Hsieh was complaining about the freshness of the shrimps, although the fish stand promised it was the freshest shrimp he had. Mrs. Hsiung lost her voice in the new house which used to fill her home with laughter. Her husband provided no help since the files stacked on his office desk was as high as the Jade Mountain. “Mrs. Hsieh, you looks so tired,” said the butchery. “I am fine,” Mrs. Hsiung said. “And I am not Mrs. Hsieh,” she whispered in her head. Mrs. Hsiung was silently suffocated by the tradition of moral, taking apart by all the trivial murmur of the neighbors.

She retrieved her smile when she learned that she was pregnant. The new life in her belly was telling her the top secret of life’s joyness in their language which only a mother knows how to speak. The world went silent when she heard the first cry of her baby. The horn of new born life blew, and there was I. Yet the happiness did not last very long. The collapse of her world had frozen for a while, at the moment that she thought everything can go back to the good old time, and then the flame of Mrs. Hsieh rage thawed the happiness. “Next time, it has to be a boy,” Mrs. Hsieh left the words before the temperature in the room went under 0 degree. What made it worse was that she found out a baby is just a creature which eats and poops. She lost her comrade instantly. When the birth certificate of the baby was printed, she reviewed it and thought that why the baby had to have the name of Hsieh rather than Hsiung. “She would have a beautiful life as I had,” Mrs. Hsiung thought. As she had.

“I am not going to the ballet class anymore,” my sister screamed, tossing her bag pack of ballet on floor, running away from Mrs. Hsiung who came to pick her beloved daughter up.(Wonderful technique like in ESL)

“But why?” Mrs. Hsiung didn’t understand why her daughter is out of control,” You know that in the old days we don’t have any chance to learn it. And the teacher said you are a good dancer!”

“You should never let your daughter become who you failed to be,” my sister said,” You don’t know how much I hate to dance.”

Mrs. Hsiung went silent. She had never felt so helpless after she gave birth to a second daughter. This time Mrs. Hsieh did not need to say anything to keep her aware of her failure of being a wife. And now she fell to control her daughter. She had lost her first gamble of being herself in the marriage, and she was losing her second play. So she went home with my sister in dreadful silence, drifting in her wondrous life she used to have.

Staring at her last name on her driver license, Mrs. Hsiung wondered why don’t the society take her last name away as well. Since a married daughter is asked to abandon her life, why should she keep her last name? What is the definition of a perfect wife? Of a perfect family?

 “Why would they leave this clue for me to look back,” she pondered,” if marriage is a road has no turning back?”

 “Did my mom fought for it too? Or she didn’t consider it as mental bully,” Mrs. Hsiung let the questions washed away with the shower foam, echoed in the tube leads to faraway land where were no answers neither.

Rebirth started with the son’s birth. (Wow) Mrs. Hsiung learned that the birth of her son was not only a new life but also the right to speak on dining table. She had figured out the rules. No more obedience, she decided. After all the attempt in vain on her two daughters, she seemed to give up on trying to teach her son anything but the basic school knowledge. As long as she was keeping her children alive, this method seemed maximized the happiness in the family.

“You can give a try on everything, except evil things” Mrs. Hsiung told her children.

“How we know if it is evil or not?” we asked.

“Then ask me before you do it,” she answered.

Mrs. Hsiung had retrieved her power by approving all the decisions we’ve made, she was satisfied by the new decision making process, and we thought we controlled everything because we had come up with all the strangest ideas.

“You have to check this if it’s evil or not!” children league screamed, waving a disc.

“What is that?” Mrs. Hsiung frowned.

“Online game! You have to play with us so you can inspect whether it is evil or not!” children league thought they got their mom this time.

What (the children’s league) children league didn’t think about was that Mrs. Hsiung took over the game as well.

“Why would you play online game with your mom?” one of my brother’s classmate asked him.

“Then you have to find someone else to play better than she does and is willing to play with me,” my brother shrugged, swinging his legs.

Mrs. Hsiung is still trapped in her marriage, in her family under the tradition of Taiwan. The air of liberty sneaked in to the conservative house when Mrs. Hsiung realized that she can make her own rules. (Wow) Neighbors’ murmur became the meaningless whisper of wind blew through the clothes hanging on the balcony. (Excellent image) Mrs. Hsiung is building her own way toward her new splendid life. Now the order of Mrs. Hsieh never bothers her anymore, Mrs. Hsiung is not rebelling any rules if she is not in the institution. The pressure once on her shoulder is now gone.

“Mom, I still want to be a member of Kuma club,” I said, when I turned eighteen.

“Fight your grandma by yourself,” She rolled her eyes and focused again with her webpage game, which her farm is named as Kuma’s Farm.

Okay, you really have a talent for the emotional, psychological, nuanced and powerful moments in life…your writing is full of struggle and promise…again, keep writing, just for yourself…get about 12-15 of these essays done…and then consider applying to a master’s program…you really have the gift.

2016.04.23 The Correct Answer of a Garden

這是ESL閱讀寫作課程中的第一個Essay作業，原本要寫Argumentative的文章，不過因為我寫歪了（很顯然的沒有兩面論證），老師(Kevin Brown)就讓我自由發揮去了哈哈哈哈

(2016.05.03)老師幫我修改過第一次了♥ PO上修正版XD

The correct answer of a garden

Aphids are gnawing the fragile back side of artichokes leaves, their honeydew has attracted hundreds of thousands of ants to protect them from being eaten by the ladybugs which had been released in the garden for the sake of eliminating the aphids. The artichoke babies suffer from the unwelcome six-legged guests, tortured by invisible tiny wounds. Lizards are helping the artichokes to get rid of the pests, but apparently an anteater is all that is needed. The spray bottle’s tube had been clogged by the ashes from the fireplace, although they say ash water spray is the most harmless to the plants and the most natural way to expel aphids, I have no choice but to use the dishwashing liquid water to kill the aphids and ants. The white bubbles left on the leaves are awkwardly reflecting the sunshine. Now they smell like pale and shiny dining plates but no longer fresh dirt and sun. Beside the artichokes sit the sage and the green onions. They are blooming this year, without any reason and any sign; blooming so desperately as if they are compensating for their amnesia. They forgot to flower for the last 2 years. I am like a clown in the crowds, waving weakly and doing meaningless tricks; still no one sees me. I struggle to make my garden perfect, but nature never buys it. The journey of seeking the correct answer of a garden continues.

Our culture and family started to fertilize the soil in the garden with legends and traditions. Dumped with all the other’s opinions and suggestions, the garden is far away from growing anything yet. Eventually it decomposed and converted into soil, our self-identification. This process comes so easily that we normally ignore it. In the rest of our life, we grow different sentiments and ideas from various plants, we fertilize our soil by absorbing new knowledge, digesting contrasting points of view and defending our personal values. The pain of reforming our mind, our garden, becomes so intolerable. All our precious herbs die to protest their discomfort, the soil we had cautiously kept turns into waste in a totally different climate system. We are helpless in a nowhere that used to be our secret paradise.

 The massacre starts with a foreign language. The fruits of English have no clue to bear from the soil which was irrigated by an oriental culture. The power that our native language possesses is profounder than we can imagine. All our small memories fragments are in morpheme units. Each phoneme of our native language recall the tears of joy, the warmth of hugs, the scent of the numbness of a special dish. How can we abandon our own stories and embrace meaningless syllables? However, for the sake of blending in, we remove the surface of who we are, replacing it with new earth that we hastily swallowed from the new culture. Still the fruits grow slightly awkward, the leaves of the plant wrinkle and the flower blooms in totally different color. Upset by the result, we sigh, we frown, it is the millionth time we want to give up.

The alphabets which spread in the book are ants in panic. Trying to escape from pages to bite my finger, they twist and twitch, until it is to cruel to look at, I close the book. I can still hear their silent screaming in the book, it echoes in my hollow head. Unreadable alphabets! How can a language live without characters!

And we become the outsider, we think we will never fit in this new house which is to be home. The thing is never right; how can we keep wearing shoes when we enter our house? The others never take our opinion seriously because of our crippled ; they think our own culture is a simple story that can be told in a 4 minute speech. We never fit in with their expectation. We go through all the magazine shelfs, searching for gardening guides, seizing any chance to learn the correct answer. The correct answer of the fertilizer, of the garden, of our life. We want to be perfect in our new homeland. And we lose the control of our garden. The garden grows chaotic, every single effort that we made is the fume came out from chimney, vanish in the sunset of our hope. Not until we realize that we can never fit in the new environment will we stop chasing a correct answer.

So here I am, gazing at the spectacular but yet ordinary garden of my own. The refreshing breeze brought the scent of lavender planted by a neighbor. I love lavender, but I know it would not grow here, not for now.  A garden should not be written on a piece of paper. We are no longer planting roses while we are allergic to; the best-selling seeds of violet is no longer attractive to us. I know that even though I plant the exact same species of lavender, they will grow very different from my neighbor’s lavender. We finally make an agreement with ourselves. No more changing, no more forcing, let it be. Embracing the dirt of our homeland, we are who we are with all the variant curve on our bones, knit in our spine. The answer of a garden is to see the beauty of seasons changing, to grieve the plant withering, to taste the sourness of fruit and to celebrate the new start of life. We are learning but not copying. We are so close to the answers; therefore we can never see them.

Teacher's comment after first read:

Your writing has literary quality that is near publishable at the highest level in English…my job is to help with academic writing which is unfortunately different from creative or literary writing.

Teacher's comment after second read:

Okay, this is publishable.  It is at the level of some of the finest writers: Thoreau, Proust, Rachel Carson.  I want you to make the edits in bold above and then send it to me again.  I’ll revise it once more and then I’d like to show it to some other teachers and suggest you submit it to some journals.  Have you thought of doing a creative writing program?  A master’s degree?  

只能說，被稱讚就是爽辣XD(???

2016.04.21 満月

所以說，事情要從4/12收到來自迪士尼的感謝信開始說起。

收到感謝信就是被拒絕的意思，毫無疑問的。

我先是麻木地沖了澡，然後，眼淚就開始不受控制的落下。

畢竟是孤注一擲來到這裡，壓了好多好多的壓力在自己身上。

原本以為掉過眼淚就好了，原本以為快要痊癒了，都已經經過了一個禮拜了呀！

但是今天去應徵Knott's Berry Farm的工讀生的時候，看到周邊商品的陳列，強烈的失落感就突然襲來。

「這裡不是我想工作的地方」的感受在我腦袋中不斷的迴盪，眼淚盈在眼中必須努力才能撐著不讓淚水落下。還不能哭！在面試前還不能哭！

面試結束後，回到車上，眼淚果然就不受控制的掉下來了。

「不是這裡。」「這裡不是樂園（paradise）。」「為什麼被拒絕？」

算是否定嗎？總之算不上正面的念頭在腦海中盤旋，眼淚也默默地落了兩三滴。


一整天的情緒都在掉淚的邊緣，聽到老師上課提到迪士尼、同學的手機播了花木蘭的歌，眼淚都快掉下來了。

寫作課的時候Essay提早寫完了，所以就抽了張衛生紙到長椅上哭。課程結束後，打電話給思思，眼淚終於潰堤。是那種哭得聲嘶力竭，用力到沒有聲音的哭。米琦（一位中國同學）看到我哭得厲害，坐在旁邊陪我。

走回去的路上，第一次跟米琦用中文聊天，之前都有奇怪的默契用英文聊天。美麗又可愛的女孩紙。

今天是滿月，很漂亮的滿月。

不會輸的，哪裡跌倒就哪裡站起來！就算是渾身是傷也要跑到終點！

最後來一首很適合今天的fight song－－ミカヅキ（作詞作曲：さユり）



節錄歌詞：

今宵も頭上では　綺麗な満月がキラキラ 幸せそうに世界を照らしている 当の私は　出来損ないでどうしようも無くて 夜明け夢見ては　地べた這いずり回ってる それでも　誰かに見つけて欲しくて 夜空見上げて叫んでいる 逃げ出したいなぁ　逃げ出せない 明るい未来は見えない　ねぇ それでも　あなたに見つけて欲しくて 蝶のように舞い上がるの 欠けた翼で飛んだ　醜い星の子ミカヅキ

不會輕易放棄的，絕對！

2016.04.02 打個方向燈手都會骨折的南加州人

　　標題有點長，不過這是我這兩天開車下來後，簡短的心得（？）

南加人開車的壞習慣惡名昭彰，原本以為沒有傳說中的那麼糟，畢竟沒有台灣瘋狂的機車騎士在那邊鑽來鑽去。到了南加州，路上確實是沒有瘋狂機車了。

BUT！人生中最機車的就是那個BUT！

請想像把所有的機車騎士都裝到車子裡，然後在路上開的樣子。

台灣的機車騎士在車陣中亂鑽就算了，畢竟他們車體小，有時候不在機車等紅燈區等紅燈反而還危險。

但是汽車不是機車啊南加州人！！！！所有任意切換車道不打方向燈、完全無視安全距離的跟在你車子後方、限速是甚麼先加個10mile再說。各種惡劣的開車行徑，南加居民或許不是發明的，但一定是天降此大任於斯人也，違規技術之精湛，令人瞠目結舌。

偏偏加州的大眾交通運輸工具糟糕到一個不行，離開大學校園的生活圈，沒車真的就跟腳斷了一樣。噢，也是可以用走的，就走到腳斷阿捏。

也因為大眾交通工具系統讓人難以忍受，人人有車，讓高速公路塞的時速只有20英哩（32公里左右），甚至還可以完全停下來。尖峰時段是早上的七點到晚上九點（……乾！這不就是一整天嗎！），更別提公路上是各種補丁，郝斌斌真應該來選個州長，把南加路平一下。

所以在我鼓起勇氣租了車，上了路以後，見識到了更多的瘋狂南加人，以下就來列個南加人開車惡行惡狀大全，請各位看倌收好下巴慢慢觀賞。

1. 打個方向燈手都會骨折的南加人

　　凡舉任何需要打方向燈的場合：等待左轉/右轉、切換車道、上交流道……，大概只有30%的駕駛會遵守規定。根據不同的場合，遵守率會不太一樣，等待左右轉約50%、切換車道約10%、上交流道約20%。

　　尤其是切換車道！說不打就真的不打！突然間的就以超近的距離切到你面前！！！真的是很令人崩潰！！！！！！

2. 限速是什麼可以吃嗎？

　　南加人很愛開快車，只要前面沒有車，油門催下去都不管時速飆到幾mile的，一口氣衝共好幾個十字路口都不減速，到下一個紅燈再來個華麗的急煞車☆

　　經過十字路口都不稍微減速一下嗎！！！放個油門很難嘛！！！很難嘛！！！！！！！

3. 喇叭免費無限押到飽

　　南加人沒事都可以鳴個喇叭，明明自己違規在先也是死押著喇叭不放，搞的駕駛人人神經緊繃、沒有做錯事也搞得好像眾矢之的。

4. 塞到很慢的高速公路

　　甚至走一般道路還比較快，雖然也很塞。因為大眾交通運輸太糟，人人有車，導致從早到晚高速公路都很塞。塞的很慢的高速公路上充斥著任意切換車道（不打方向燈）、亂按喇叭的煩躁司機。在塞到不行的地方甚至可以整個停下來。其他州都只需要2~3道的車道，南加明明有4~5條車道，依舊塞到讓你崩潰。

以上是我到目前為止的崩潰心得，有多在補。

拜託不要多了

加州人！！！！！開好車很難嘛！！！！！！！！（崩潰）

2016.03.18 就算太陽很大還是涼涼的

因為目前還沒有車的關係，基本上沒有特地要出門就是關在家裡。因為不想花錢買長褲，所以就穿著短褲然後躲在被窩中，因為長褲想要留著明天出發去大峽谷的時候穿。

歌曲是一種能量很大的載具，一點點的歌詞、旋律，就可以牽動人心，瞬間被拉回第一次聽到這首歌時的心境、回憶。一口氣的栽進去，殺的你措手不及。

或許容易被歌曲影響，也是我平時沒事不會聽歌的原因之一。

我太容易被悲傷的、快樂的、激動的旋律玩弄，搞得自己都要精神分裂了。


只有在想要逃避的時候會聽歌，像是寫TW好農的文章的時候哈哈w